The role of the steadfast love of the LORD in transforming despair to hope.

By Stuart Adamson.

Psalm 13

    For the director of music. A psalm of David.

 1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
   and every day have sorrow in my heart?
   How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
   Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
   and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
   for he has been good to me.

There are basically three main features to Psalm 13, the fourfold cry of  "How long, O LORD?",  the Psalmist's enemy and the role the hesed (loving-kindness) (translated as unfailing love in the NIV) of the LORD. It is helpful to consider the first two in terms of despair, and the last one in terms of hope.

Psalms such as these abound in Scripture, and they are aptly termed individual laments. Typically, they fall into three parts, and Psalm 13 is no exception - Plea (v 1-2), Petition (v 3-4) and Praise (verse 5-6).

Theologian and commentator Walter Brueggemann says “the question of how the changed mood and ..situation are effected cannot be definitively answered, but that they were changed is beyond doubt.” He argues rightly that the psalm reflects the fact that transformation of life is a central conviction of Israel. As he says “Health is restored, enemies are resisted and destroyed, death is averted, shalom is given again.”

But I want to test Brueggemann and ask “Is it really impossible to know how the changed mood is effected?”

Even to the casual observer, the four-fold refrain of the psalmist (how long) is

the dominant feature of the Plea. The emphasis is on the feeling of abandonment.

We have heard this language before from Yahweh himself. “Then the LORD said to Moses ” (how long) will you refuse to keep my commands and my instructions?”(Ex. 16:28) (See also Num. 14:11, Jeremiah 47:6, Ps 62:3 and Hab. 2:1). These references portray the LORD as waiting in a longsuffering way for his covenant people Israel to repent and believe in him.

In our text, it is the Psalmist who utters a fourfold "how long".  It is a charge is of divine absence in time of need.  It’s audacious. No, it’s outrageous. Yet it is Scripture, and all of it is useful if we want to be thoroughly equipped (cf 2 Tim. 3:17). So what are we to make of it?

When God forgets in the OT it is often related to God’s covenant faithfulness ( eg Deut. 4:31) and Israel’s unfaithfulness (Jeremiah 23:39-40). But there is no transgression involved here, just a profound sense of betrayal by God.

The second (how long) relates to the concealing of the face of God. As with God forgetting, the

hiding of the (face) of God is related to sin and judgement (eg Isaiah 64:7). Conversely,

being before the (face) of God is a positive thing itself (eg Isaiah 9:3).

The third (how long) relates to the wrestling with personal thoughts (as translated

in the NIV). The Hebrew, (how long shall I set counsels in my soul and afflictions in my heart by day ) is rendered in the NIV as “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?” I think there are good reasons to conclude that the Psalmist craves the counsels of the Lord, but we do not have space to explore that issue here.

The final (how long) describes the agony of an enemy being exalted over the

psalmist for an extended period, rather than God himself. (eg Ps 18:46, 2 Sam. 2:22 and Isaiah 52:13).

The Petition begins anxiously with three commands, “Look at me!” and “take notice!” and “give light to my eyes”. They correspond to the prior exclamations of agony, forgetting and hiding the face. They anticipate transformation of the mood.  

Here in verse three, in the midst of despair, we have the psalmist, reflecting on his need

of blessing, to have the LORD’s face turned to him and to have peace in his heart. They are

reminiscent of the elements of the Aaronic blessing itself:

The LORD bless you

And keep you;

The LORD make his face shine upon you

And be gracious to you;

The LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.

The psalmist’s cry is indeed a cry of faith – one that calls on the covenant God to honour his promises to his child.

Though the identity of (the enemy) in v 4a is debated, there is evidence to say that Death is the main protagonist, but also that mortal enemies arraigned against God are included as well.

The words in verse 3 (Yahweh) and (My God) underscore two things for the psalmist. Firstly that he is addressing the god who has revealed himself as the (the LORD) of the covenant and the god who the creator god who is also personal, and is regarded as “my” god by his covenant people. The utterance “my God” serves as a counterpoint to the fourfold “How long O Lord.” God is reminded of his obligation to those who call him “my God”.

The Praise, in verses five and six is rendered: But I trust (Heb: have trusted, a completed action, indicating that trust has been the hallmark of his attitude) in your unfailing love, I will rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. (Heb: has dealt bountifully, fully, to me).

Brueggemann’s comment on the three-fold use Yahweh – the LORD - helps us a great deal. “The dramatic movement of the psalm from disorientation to new orientation is marked by three uses of the name (Yahweh). In verse 1, he is named only to be assaulted. In verse 3, he is named with an appellation of intimacy as a ground for appeal, and in verse six, the accused has now become the object of doxology.”

Sakenfeld identifies the attributes of the word hesed in the OT as 1) always involving provision of an essential need 2) by a superior party 3) who is free not to perform the act 4) but recognises the responsibility to act 5) as the sole source of assistance to the weaker party. However, Clark is the one who describes hesed as a characteristic of God rather than of human beings, and as an enduring quality, evidenced by God’s commitment to Israel despite blatant and persistent rebellion.

It is my contention that the linchpin of the whole psalm is the word hesed.  For it is the covenant love of Yahweh in which the psalmist trusts from the first How long? to the final promise of praise. Indeed, it is this very hesed that releases the psalmist to boldly hold God to the promises that his hesed leads him to make. The psalmist has a hope that is sure, founded on Yahweh’s faithfulness, and possesses “a confidence that moves forward into the unseen”. There is nothing that can cause him to despair of God’s eventual help. “Those who pray are certain that what is coming, future help and deliverance, is more sure than what is present.”

At every point, faith in the steadfast love of the LORD is a feature.

And so, we can say that for the believer, faith in the hesed (loving-kindness) of  (the

LORD) (My God) awakens hope. It causes the psalmist to remember that God has been

full in his blessing of him in the past. He has indeed (dealt bountifully with me). So we

can, and do indeed know what transforms the mood of the psalm. It is the hesed of the LORD.

Copyright Stuart Adamson 2011.

Pastoral Imagery in Chaplaincy

By Kate Bradford
Pastoral imagery evokes an idealised view of rural life capturing a charming serene world protected from outside dangers. Similarly the twenty third Psalm captures sheep drinking and resting in a lush green valley inside the protection of their shepherd.

Pastoral care has on a number of occasions been seen as an exegesis of Psalm 23. The few brief stanzas have provided both direction and form for pastoral ministry. Variously harnessed and caught are the images of: guiding, healing, leading, restoring, nurturing, sustaining, comforting and liberating. Pastoral ministry ranges across vast terrains from the heights of the mountains down into deathly valleys, across battle fields opening out onto green pastures and still waters. Times of scarcity and of plenty, solitude and celebration, danger and peace are encompassed.

The enduring Biblical image of the shepherd appears and reappears throughout the Bible; being found in the law, the prophets and the writings, and the gospels, the epistles and the apocalypse.

Pastoral ministry in essence is never a programme that has its end in the material world; it always draws on a transcendent dimension. As people are cared for they are helped transcend their present difficulties; often external circumstances are not greatly changed but they are faced not alone but with the strength of the one who can truly help through prayer. The Pastoral carer draws on the same strength; that of the true shepherd for their inspiration. The Christian pastoral care worker is not any shepherd, but a shepherd after God’s own heart, a shepherd who is led by God’s knowledge and understanding (Jer 3:14-16).  These shepherds are contrasted with senseless shepherds who do not enquire of the Lord, and consequently their flock is scattered (Jer 10:20-22).

God himself is pictured as shepherd tending his flock, gathering the lambs in his arms close to his heart; gently leading those with young (Isaiah 40:11-12). Later in Matthew’s gospel account, Jesus had compassion on the crowd, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd (Matt 9:35-37).

The gospel of John (chapter 10) reveals how the idyllic lush pastoral valley of psalm 23 was secured.  The apostle John describes Jesus as the good shepherd, the one who calls his sheep by name and leads them out.  He goes ahead; the sheep follow because they know his voice. He is not only the shepherd showing the way, he himself is the way. He is the good shepherd who lays down his life for the sheep.

The Good Shepherd not only cares, protects and and guides in the midst of danger but he comes with authority, and calls his sheep by name.  The sheep are called out through the gate that is the guaranteed safe passage into the future: deliverance far greater than a shepherd’s care or protection. He is the shepherd-king, who gave his life for the sheep; the sheep respond to his voice and follow his way. He calls his sheep into eternity.[i]

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[i] Roland Riem, Stronger than Death: A Study for Love for the Dying (DLT, 1993), p 56.

Turning points

By Kate Bradford

Historically chaplaincy involved cure/care of the soul[1]. These Soul Physicians worked alongside the medical staff in seeking to cure the whole person. The cure of souls required careful diagnosis, an aspect of care that our Puritan forebears took very seriously[2]. The activity of spiritual diagnosis is central to chaplaincy. Chaplaincy is a bespoke ministry, each encounter is tailor made and carefully crafted to individuals to whom we are ministering. As we listen to people we are consciously taking a spiritual history, listening for losses, absences, presences, joys and distortions. There are no answers without first hearing the complexity. When we do venture to speak it is with a scarcity of words: words carefully chosen; sensitively placed; acknowledging less is more; leaving space.

We are working within the deep structures of a person’s thought world, operating on foundational planks on which so much else rests. What are the foundational planks: those points, on which almost everything else turns?

We find an example of such a turning point in Luther’s writings to Erasmus. For Luther any free-will or human reasoning that contributed to salvation unravelled the whole system:  the system resorted to a works system. Thus for Luther the absence of free-will, or human input into the equation was the factor that secured the doctrine. Luther wrote to Erasmus,

You alone, in contrast to all the others have attacked the real thing.........you and you alone have seen the hinge on which all turns, and aimed for the vital spot.’[3]

 

Erasmus and Luther maintained diametrically opposed views over the vital spot of free will.  But Erasmus had isolated the hinge or point on which the whole discussion turned, and Luther’s respect for an opponent who actually understood him is recorded here. While Luther and Erasmus’s robust debate differs markedly from chaplaincy, the point of connection around which their conversation turns is not so different.

Conversations glance off deep structures of thought and fragments appear in conversation. These fragments are perhaps said more emphatically or sadly than other comments; we as chaplains in turn respond to these hints. As a chaplain, coming from a theological background, my training is in theology rather than counselling or psychology. In helping people to transcend their present circumstances, we apply theology or ‘God logic’ as we engage with people. These hints or fragments provide a starting point and may indicate a turning point on which so much else depends. Such turning points may be indicated by feelings of confidence or worthlessness, doubt and shame, guilt, inadequacy, identity, security, isolation, usefulness or meaningless, integrity or despair.[4] There is no one-size-fits-all. For example guilt may link to a need for forgiveness, but shame or self-loathing may link to a need to know God’s unconditional love. For someone struggling with shame, God’s forgiveness may have little meaning if it is separated from God’s love.

As Chaplains, we have input into the beginnings of these conversations. The end points have to grow out of these, they can’t be known at the start. With prayer and thoughtful conversation we hope to help a Christian patient continue to turn to Christ at a difficult time, moving towards a deeper maturity in Him. For others, hopefully the conversations begin to reveal the nature of Christ, opening an otherwise closed door, and help in turning to Him; exchanging death for life - the beginning of a journey towards Him.

In the Gospels we see turning points in the teaching of Jesus that are very specific to persons or particular situations. Jesus appeals to those who are feeling burdened to come to him for rest. In the beatitudes we see Christological solutions supplied to different groups of people. The poor will receive the Kingdom of God; the hungry will be satisfied; the weeping will laugh; the mourning –comforted; the meek shall inherit; the merciful shall receive mercy; the rejected will be received with joy. But conversely the self-secure and self-satisfied will find themselves on the outside. In other passages sheep are given a shepherd; fruit is maintained by the vine; trees have roots down into living water; thirst is quenched; light overcomes darkness; the doubter receives proof; there is peace in the midst of a storm; and sins are forgiven.

A chaplain’s work is often with those who know they are sick and need a doctor. As soul physicians we help precipitate turning points, staying with a single idea and not leaping ahead of the patient.  We remain mindful of not attempting to turn another but rather allowing them to voluntarily turn. We help or facilitate others to turn rather than be turned by us. It is our Heavenly Father who ultimately affects lasting turnings.

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[1] Swift, Christopher. Hospital chaplaincy in the twenty-first century: the crisis of spiritual care on the NHS. Ashgate Publishing, Ltd, 2009.

[2] Keller, Timothy J. “Puritan Resources for Biblical Counseling.” Journal of Pastoral Practice 9 (3) (January 1): 11-44, 1988.

[3] Luther, Martin, Ernest Gordon Rupp, Desiderius Erasmus, and Philip S. Watson. Luther and Erasmus: Free Will and Salvation. Westminster John Knox Press, 1969.  

[4] List drawn from various accounts of Erik Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development.

The Intimate Stranger[1]

In 1990, in order to fill a significant gap in theological writing that informs chaplaincy and pastoral care to patients in crisis, Robert Dykstra wrote an essay which he entitled “The Intimate Stranger.”

Dykstra notes two approaches common in crisis ministry. Firstly, directive and pragmatic interventions focused on relief, and secondly, theologically reflective approaches that facilitate transformational learning. Dykstra reviews both, and finds them both lacking in themselves, and posits the question, "Can the metaphor of the Intimate Stranger be used to integrate the two approaches to enhance ministry in a crisis context?"

Stranger can be encountered, says Dykstra, on two levels, literally, and figuratively. Literally, in that the two (ie chaplain and patient) have not met before, and figuratively, in that the encounter may trigger internal fears within the chaplain about potential losses that the chaplain experiences as “other”. 

Dykstra reflects on “strangers” in the OT as a group of people who need special consideration, such as widows and orphans, who should also be the recipients of hospitality.  In the NT, he notes Matthew 25:35, ("I was a stranger, and you invited me in"), and Luke 24, Jesus as stranger on the Emmaus road. He writes too of 1) chaplain as stranger, who is welcomed by a patient and family, and by God in and through the same pastoral encounter, and 2) God as stranger to the chaplain. In this second circumstance, the chaplain can get overwhelmed by loss and experience a threat to faith. The response by the chaplain to this threat in further encounters is to go through the motions of intervention without reflecting theologically on the crises experienced.

In closing his essay, Dykstra reflects theologically on the biblical testimony of stranger as the bearer of God’s promise and presence and then explores the prospect that a chaplain may find sanctuary in this role. 

In previous integrative research I have conducted in relation to patients and families in crisis, I have found this essay to be very helpful. The idea itself is not new, and certainly there is much scope to explore other dimensions of "The Intimate Stranger" in chaplaincy ministry and the Word of God, but Dykstra's contribution is a useful reference point, both for chaplains and pastoral supervisors alike.

As I reflect on the privilege it is to serve the Lord in chaplaincy ministry in a hospital context, I would love to interact with other chaplains on the issue of "The Intimate Stranger" and particularly on Dykstra's last point in his essay, a biblical perspective on chaplain as stranger who bears God's promise and presence, and who finds sanctuary in that role.

In the book mentioned above, Dykstra's essay is just one of 19 primary documents written by a range of authors including Nouwen, Faber, Gerkin, Capps, Boisen etc, categorised into three groups, classic, paradoxical and contemporary images of pastoral care. Dykstra's essay is included in the paradoxical images of pastoral care category.

Stuart Adamson

Anglican Chaplain and Pastoral Supervisor (CPE)

Prince of Wales and Randwick Hospitals' Campus &

Westmead Centre for Pastoral Education

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[1] Robert C. Dykstra (ed). “Images of Pastoral Care – Classic Readings”  (Danvers, MA, Chalice) 2005.

Pastoral Care

By David Pettett.

The concept of Pastoral Care springs from the understanding of the compassion of Christ. In Matthew 9:36 Jesus had compassion on the crowds because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

It is into this sense of “lostness” that the pastoral carer comes. Typically the place of lostness is a “hard place”, a place that is out of the ordinary for the person who has a sense of loss. It is a physical place such as a hospital, a jail, a nursing home. But it is also not a physical place but a place of mourning, grief, sadness or paradoxically, a place of happiness.

Jesus also expresses compassion when he sees suffering, for example when he heals the sick (Matthew 14:14), or comforts the bereaved (Luke 7:13).

The unique encounter that Jesus brings is one of restoration and reconciliation with God. He does not “cure” disease as a doctor or nurse might bring medical attention, but he heals. (The Greek word of the New Testament for “heal” is the same word for “save”.)

The unique encounter that the Christian Pastoral Carer brings to a person in a hard place is this same restoration and reconciliation. The Pastoral Carer therefore does not mix the roles of medical attention or other allied health roles with that of Pastoral Care. Pastoral Care compliments these other types of caring by adding the dimension of reconciliation with God.

Pastoral Carers need specific training so that these boundaries are clear and so that the Carer remains anchored in his or her own confidence in God while at the same time being able to sit with a person in a hard place that may be a place of great turmoil and anguish. Then, while being anchored with God in Christ and at the same time being with another in their place of turmoil, the Carer can, by the power of the Holy Spirit, help the person in turmoil to discover how Christ Himself is present in their suffering.

What does an Evangelical Theology of Chaplaincy Look Like?

Kate Bradford

An evangelical theology of Chaplaincy draws on both evangelical tradition and historical roots of chaplaincy. Theologically it must engage both with theologies from above and those from below. The theology must avoid reductionism but rather be open to contributions from other disciplines and allow them to both critique and contribute to theological positions held.

Chaplaincy is not parish based but institution based. The chaplaincy pastoral encounter does not always have faith or a church property providing common ground, but rather an institution (work place, hospital, armed forces, prison or school) or incidents (such as trauma, suffering, illness, and tragedy) provide the point of connection. Christian chaplaincy is not simply parish pastoral care ‘tweaked’.  The rules of engagement for a chaplaincy ministry are fundamentally different from parish based ministry, although, both parish and chaplaincy ministries engage in ‘cure’ of souls.

An evangelical theology of chaplaincy will:

·         Draw on the evangelical touchstones of Conversionism, Activism, Biblicism, and Crucicentricism.[i]

·         Engage with the historic traditions of Chaplaincy and Pastoral Care.

·         Draw on the reformed theologies of Calvin, Luther and Augustine that look at the world from above.

·         Draw on the Theological Anthropologies that consider faith from below: the perspective of humanity, and engage with the God/man Jesus Christ.

·         Draw on the theologies that engage with the narrative and drama of Scripture and philosophical concepts. 

·         Not lose focus that the primary concerns of Chaplaincy are: the pastoral encounter, the patient as person and the pastor as person. Attention must be paid to all three aspects. The discipline always has at its end, a practical purpose, a real visit. Clinical Pastoral Education is an action/reflection training module that aims to hone and sharpen skills in this area. 

·         Determine the theological frame that the chaplain brings into the encounter, if affects who the chaplain ‘is’ in the encounter, how they interpret the situation and the care plan that is formulated for the way forward.

·         Understand that contemporary terms Chaplaincy and Pastoral Care describe a broad discipline: one far wider than the traditional Christian meanings. This discipline is also called spiritual care and concerns itself primarily with issues of belief and meaning. This public meaning arises from  secular concepts that encompasses religion, ecumenicalism, multi-faith dialogue and psychology, sociology and spirituality. 

·         Enter a dialogue with the pastoral and practical theologians who are actively engaging with the broad definition of spiritual care and engaging with disciplines of psychology and sociology and issues of the infinite, ultimate concerns, suffering, pain, joy, peace, compassion and the limits of human finitude.

Three evangelical theologians who are writing in this area are Timothy Keller a former Professor of Practical Theology at Westminster, Eugene Peterson, Professor of Spiritual Theology at Regent College and Andrew Purves, Professor of Reformed Theology at Pittsburgh Theological Seminary.

Theology of Chaplaincy is not a purely theoretical discipline. It does involve theory, but it is more like an apprenticeship. It involves a repeated, spiralling process of theological stretching. There are times without answers, other times of deconstruction and disengagement before a deeper theological reconstruction as we understand something new of Christ, or ourselves, or another: then there is a further re-engagement. All this is learned.  As the chaplain lowers themselves down into the abyss of another’s suffering, the chaplain themselves enters the sufferer’s suffering. Issues that surround human life emerge: pain, suffering, justice, the groaning creation, a fallen broken world, alienation and forsakenness. These can also exist alongside compassion, kindness, image of God, love, light, burden bearing, redemption, forgiveness, peace, joy and eternity. The issues all cut across our common humanity, frailty and flawed morality.

As a chaplain, we see into the brokenness of another’s world we too are confronted with our own brokenness. We understand again our own need of Jesus’ death for us on the cross. We do nothing in our own strength: we are not counsellors, or social workers but simply fellow travellers who have been shown mercy in Christ and, as such, we extend mercy to another. An evangelical chaplain will be concerned that the  ultimate need of any person is to see their story completed in Christ, and as such along with listening, silence, compassion and care will seek to share, at just the right time, saving words of Truth that illuminate true life.

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[i] D W Bebbington. Evangelical Christianity and the Enlightenment. Crux: December 1989/ Vol. XXV. No. 4. pp. 29-36. As quoted by D. Pettett in previous blog, 10 April, 2011

Evangelical Chaplaincy

by David Pettett

D W Bebbington has defined Evangelicalism as having four distinct features; Conversionism, Activism, Biblicism, and Crucicentricism.[1] These have become known as Bebbington’s Quadrilateral and refer to the belief among those who call themselves Evangelical that a person must turn to Christ, be active in evangelism and good works, acknowledge that the Bible is the authoritative source of knowledge of God, and believe in the atoning death of Jesus on the cross.

It was evangelicals who took the initiative in the eighteenth century in such areas as prison reform, an end to slave trading, and to supply a chaplain to the Colony of NSW. Curiously, in the 21^st century evangelical chaplains are somewhat marginalised in the Australian context. Needless to say, no hospital administration wants chaplains insensitively evangelising critically ill patients. Corrective Services NSW explicitly forbids its chaplains from proselytising. This does not, however, prevent a chaplain from believing that a person must be converted to Christ, nor prevent him or her from being active in good works (what is a chaplain doing if visiting the sick or those in prison is not good works?), and it does not prevent the chaplain from believing in the authority of the Bible nor the centrality of the death of Christ on the cross as a substitutionary atonement.

And yet I have heard a keynote speaker at a national conference of chaplains say that any person who held such beliefs should not be a chaplain. This statement received general applause. On another occasion the keynote speaker, leading studies in the book of Job, said, “we no-longer believe in such a “vindictive” God and we should repent of this God.” He then asked the delegates to participate in a liturgy of repentance for this vindictiveness of God.

It is time for Evangelicals to retake the ground and I am pleased to see some small signs of this happening. We believe in the uniqueness of Christ and that it is only through his atoning sacrifice as revealed in the Scriptures that a person can be saved by putting their trust in him. This is a simple message that can be shared sensitively even with the dying.

I was called to the bedside of a dying man at three o’clock one morning. He told me he was afraid and wanted to know how he could be sure of going to heaven. He told me he had lived a good life. He had even taught Sunday School when he was younger. But he wasn’t sure God would accept him. I talked with this man about the fact of Jesus taking the punishment we deserve. Jesus has paid the price for my sin. I need to put my trust in Him. My thoughts were based on the passage Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast.” As I talked I noticed tears well up in his eyes and he said to me, “I feel so much at peace.” This man suddenly realised Christ had paid the price for his sin. All his sin was forgiven and he was at peace with God.

Evangelical chaplains need to be aware of the dire circumstances people find themselves in and sensitively speak of the amazing grace of God which has given us a crucified Saviour who has paid the price for our sin and through whom we have full assurance of salvation by grace through faith alone.

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[1] D W Bebbington. Evangelical Christianity and the Enlightenment. Crux: December 1989/ Vol. XXV. No. 4. pp. 29-36.

‘They won’t hear a word you say unless it’s the wrong thing’ But how do we avoid saying the wrong thing?

This book review and thoughts are from Kate Bradford, a chaplain in a paediatric hospital.

 _____________________

This searing quote from the book, Surviving the Death of a Child, by John Munday with Frances Wolenhaus-Munday, refers to those suffering from the deep pain of the loss of a child. 

For a chaplain, one of the most harrowing aspects of ministry in a paediatric hospital, is being called to support a family, with a child who is dying or has just died. To be called to stand on the edge of the abyss with the parents and walk with them through their valley of the shadow of death, is always confronting. The expected order of life is totally overturned every time a child predeceases a parent.

We are called to enter an alien landscape where children die, and parents are somehow expected to go on because the sun will still rise tomorrow on a new day. But, how are we ‘to be’ in this situation?

 Surviving the Death of a Child, is about enduring and surviving the most painful of all losses, the death of one’s own child. The authors write from their own painful experience, both as parents and as those seeking to support the bereaved. Frances’ eighteen year old daughter, Marlys, was brutally bashed at home one afternoon by an intruder. The murder remains unsolved.

The authors are theologically trained and offer clear insights, both for bereaved parents and those seeking to care for them spiritually. In the book they explore why bereaved parents often drop out of church, survival strategies, and the way in which comfort was found in the Bible and their faith in Christ.

Chapter 7, There Are No Easy Answers is particularly useful if you are able to absorb and internalise it before visiting recently bereaved parents. This short chapter distils advice and guides the visitor through this difficult terrain, the advice ‘on how to be’ is summarised below:

1)      Those in the deep pain of the death of a child won’t remember a word you say unless it is the wrong thing.

2)      Even if something is true there may be no reason to say it.

3)      The reason to spend time with the person must be founded on Christian love. Theology of Accompaniment means being there with the person in pain.

4)      Not a time for answers, words must be based on unconditional love, compassion not knowledge.

5)      What not to say:

i)             God wanted your child more than you did

ii)            You’ll get over it in a few weeks

iii)           You have or can have other children

vi)           God is punishing you for something

v)            Your child is better off with Jesus

vi)           We are only given what we can handle

vii)          God has a plan

viii)         Rejoice always and give thanks in all circumstances

6)      The wrong thing should not be said, especially if what you are about to say is either an easy or simple answer.

7)      What can we say? There are no easy answers only accompaniment.

8)      The person who needs to talk is the person experiencing the grief.  

9)      Offer love, not advice or opinions 

10)   ‘I am sorry’, if you have been there yourself ‘I understood’, or ‘I am here for you’.

These wise insights are invaluable as I visit families in similar situations. It is not leaving God out of the picture but rather takes into account the level of shock and unreality that surrounds such events. Words are so often just a blur but care is felt at another deeper level. To gently say that you are praying is  another way to care. 

The latter half of this concise book explores the authors’ journey with God, this section provides a helpful guide to conversations that the bereaved may have in a later stage of the grief as they begin to move towards healing and find hope in living for Christ and loving as they are loved by Christ.

Surviving the Death of a Child, John Munday with Frances Wolenhaus-Munday. (WJKP, Louisville), 1995.