‘They won’t hear a word you say unless it’s the wrong thing’ But how do we avoid saying the wrong thing?

This book review and thoughts are from Kate Bradford, a chaplain in a paediatric hospital.

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This searing quote from the book, Surviving the Death of a Child, by John Munday with Frances Wolenhaus-Munday, refers to those suffering from the deep pain of the loss of a child. 

For a chaplain, one of the most harrowing aspects of ministry in a paediatric hospital, is being called to support a family, with a child who is dying or has just died. To be called to stand on the edge of the abyss with the parents and walk with them through their valley of the shadow of death, is always confronting. The expected order of life is totally overturned every time a child predeceases a parent.

We are called to enter an alien landscape where children die, and parents are somehow expected to go on because the sun will still rise tomorrow on a new day. But, how are we ‘to be’ in this situation?

 Surviving the Death of a Child, is about enduring and surviving the most painful of all losses, the death of one’s own child. The authors write from their own painful experience, both as parents and as those seeking to support the bereaved. Frances’ eighteen year old daughter, Marlys, was brutally bashed at home one afternoon by an intruder. The murder remains unsolved.

The authors are theologically trained and offer clear insights, both for bereaved parents and those seeking to care for them spiritually. In the book they explore why bereaved parents often drop out of church, survival strategies, and the way in which comfort was found in the Bible and their faith in Christ.

Chapter 7, There Are No Easy Answers is particularly useful if you are able to absorb and internalise it before visiting recently bereaved parents. This short chapter distils advice and guides the visitor through this difficult terrain, the advice ‘on how to be’ is summarised below:

1)      Those in the deep pain of the death of a child won’t remember a word you say unless it is the wrong thing.

2)      Even if something is true there may be no reason to say it.

3)      The reason to spend time with the person must be founded on Christian love. Theology of Accompaniment means being there with the person in pain.

4)      Not a time for answers, words must be based on unconditional love, compassion not knowledge.

5)      What not to say:

i)             God wanted your child more than you did

ii)            You’ll get over it in a few weeks

iii)           You have or can have other children

vi)           God is punishing you for something

v)            Your child is better off with Jesus

vi)           We are only given what we can handle

vii)          God has a plan

viii)         Rejoice always and give thanks in all circumstances

6)      The wrong thing should not be said, especially if what you are about to say is either an easy or simple answer.

7)      What can we say? There are no easy answers only accompaniment.

8)      The person who needs to talk is the person experiencing the grief.  

9)      Offer love, not advice or opinions 

10)   ‘I am sorry’, if you have been there yourself ‘I understood’, or ‘I am here for you’.

These wise insights are invaluable as I visit families in similar situations. It is not leaving God out of the picture but rather takes into account the level of shock and unreality that surrounds such events. Words are so often just a blur but care is felt at another deeper level. To gently say that you are praying is  another way to care. 

The latter half of this concise book explores the authors’ journey with God, this section provides a helpful guide to conversations that the bereaved may have in a later stage of the grief as they begin to move towards healing and find hope in living for Christ and loving as they are loved by Christ.

Surviving the Death of a Child, John Munday with Frances Wolenhaus-Munday. (WJKP, Louisville), 1995.