‘They won’t hear a word you say unless it’s the wrong thing’ But how do we avoid saying the wrong thing?

This book review and thoughts are from Kate Bradford, a chaplain in a paediatric hospital.

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This searing quote from the book, Surviving the Death of a Child, by John Munday with Frances Wolenhaus-Munday, refers to those suffering from the deep pain of the loss of a child. 

For a chaplain, one of the most harrowing aspects of ministry in a paediatric hospital, is being called to support a family, with a child who is dying or has just died. To be called to stand on the edge of the abyss with the parents and walk with them through their valley of the shadow of death, is always confronting. The expected order of life is totally overturned every time a child predeceases a parent.

We are called to enter an alien landscape where children die, and parents are somehow expected to go on because the sun will still rise tomorrow on a new day. But, how are we ‘to be’ in this situation?

 Surviving the Death of a Child, is about enduring and surviving the most painful of all losses, the death of one’s own child. The authors write from their own painful experience, both as parents and as those seeking to support the bereaved. Frances’ eighteen year old daughter, Marlys, was brutally bashed at home one afternoon by an intruder. The murder remains unsolved.

The authors are theologically trained and offer clear insights, both for bereaved parents and those seeking to care for them spiritually. In the book they explore why bereaved parents often drop out of church, survival strategies, and the way in which comfort was found in the Bible and their faith in Christ.

Chapter 7, There Are No Easy Answers is particularly useful if you are able to absorb and internalise it before visiting recently bereaved parents. This short chapter distils advice and guides the visitor through this difficult terrain, the advice ‘on how to be’ is summarised below:

1)      Those in the deep pain of the death of a child won’t remember a word you say unless it is the wrong thing.

2)      Even if something is true there may be no reason to say it.

3)      The reason to spend time with the person must be founded on Christian love. Theology of Accompaniment means being there with the person in pain.

4)      Not a time for answers, words must be based on unconditional love, compassion not knowledge.

5)      What not to say:

i)             God wanted your child more than you did

ii)            You’ll get over it in a few weeks

iii)           You have or can have other children

vi)           God is punishing you for something

v)            Your child is better off with Jesus

vi)           We are only given what we can handle

vii)          God has a plan

viii)         Rejoice always and give thanks in all circumstances

6)      The wrong thing should not be said, especially if what you are about to say is either an easy or simple answer.

7)      What can we say? There are no easy answers only accompaniment.

8)      The person who needs to talk is the person experiencing the grief.  

9)      Offer love, not advice or opinions 

10)   ‘I am sorry’, if you have been there yourself ‘I understood’, or ‘I am here for you’.

These wise insights are invaluable as I visit families in similar situations. It is not leaving God out of the picture but rather takes into account the level of shock and unreality that surrounds such events. Words are so often just a blur but care is felt at another deeper level. To gently say that you are praying is  another way to care. 

The latter half of this concise book explores the authors’ journey with God, this section provides a helpful guide to conversations that the bereaved may have in a later stage of the grief as they begin to move towards healing and find hope in living for Christ and loving as they are loved by Christ.

Surviving the Death of a Child, John Munday with Frances Wolenhaus-Munday. (WJKP, Louisville), 1995.

Reflection on Natural Disasters

The article is presented by David Pettett who has been a Navy Chaplain, Hospital Chaplain and now is Chaplain at Lithgow Correctional Centre, west of Sydney.

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On 24 January 1798 George III of England, in response to the war with France, made a proclamation that on 7 March that year the people should observe a “public fast and humiliation” “to obtain pardon of our sins”, “tender the favour of Almighty God and … avoid his wrath and indignation”.

For this Fast Day the Rev. Charles Simeon published a sermon outline on the text, 2 Chronicles 29:10-11 which he entitled, “The use if covenanting with God”. In this outline Simeon argued that God normally sends calamities on his people as a warning that they should repent of sin and so avoid God’s anger and receive his blessing.

In November 1815, when the Colony of New South Wales was in the grip of a server drought, with cattle dying and crops failing, and following the untimely death of a prominent citizen in his mid 30’s, the Rev. Samuel Marsden used Simeon’s outline in one of his Sunday sermons. Marsden exhorted his congregation to examine themselves, to see what sin might be lying within, to repent, and to seek God’s favour that he might turn away his wrath, of which these disasters were indicative, and shower blessing upon the people. (The Sydney Gazette reported the drought broke that same month.)

In January and February 2011 Australia and New Zealand have faced a series of unprecedented disasters. We live in different times so we do not expect our Head of State nor our politicians to recognise God’s hand in the ordering of the world. And we don’t expect anyone to call us to a national day of fasting. Also, most Australians would not expect the clergy to have anything much relevant to say about these disasters.

Never the less, the thrust of Jesus’ teaching, and the teaching of the whole of the Old and New Testaments, is that calamites are warnings that life is fragile and we will all face judgment. A natural disaster reminds us that we will face judgement and that therefore we should now repent of sin and seek God’s favour.

As a chaplain approaches a hospital bedside and listens to the story of the person in that bed, the chaplain must remain open to the possibility of encouraging the patient to reflect upon the warnings God has graciously sent to them in their life, to repent of sin and seek God’s favour so that they will receive his ultimate blessing of salvation in the Lord Jesus Christ.