This post is by David Pettett. The events described here are real. Names and some details have been changed to maintain confidentiality. This story comes from the book, Pastoral Care: the Core of Christian Ministry by David Pettett.
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Kerry’s husband fell over when he was drunk and broke his leg. In hospital he fell out of bed and broke his arm. Kerry complained about his poor treatment, but the hospital staff seemed to ignore her complaints. Not knowing how to take her complaint further, and being worried for her husband’s safety, Kerry was setting herself up for an unhealthy dose of triangulation.
Kerry fell into the trap of seeing the hospital staff as her persecutor. Consequently, she took on the role of the victim. Kerry went to church the following Sunday and told anybody who would listen how frustrated she was with the hospital staff because they didn’t seem to take her complaints seriously. By talking to anyone who would listen, Kerry was looking for a rescuer. Everybody she talked to obliged her by doing just that. Everybody agreed with her, that she was being treated poorly by the hospital staff. But none of this “rescuing” helped Kerry. The rescuing reinforced for her that she was the victim. As she continued in the role of victim Kerry continued to look for a rescuer. None of the sympathy she got gave her any help.
By trying to empathise with Kerry, and agreeing with her that the hospital staff should do something, the people Kerry shared her frustrations with were only reinforcing Kerry’s idea that she was the victim of the hospital staff’s persecution of her. Under normal circumstances trying to help Kerry by giving her some direction on how to approach the hospital staff with her complaint would also be of little help to her. Giving advice confirms Kerry’s role as a child or victim just as much as the rescuing attempts keep her in this role.
At one point Kerry’s pastor heard her complaining to another church member. He joined the conversation and when Kerry said how badly the hospital staff had treated her husband and how they were ignoring her complaints, the pastor simply said to her, “Yes, but it really upsets you, doesn’t it?” Rather than agreeing with her, that she was a victim, the pastor focused on how it was all affecting her. She replied, “Yes” and began to cry. From that moment Kerry stopped telling anyone who would listen about her frustration with the hospital. She stopped looking for rescuers because the pastor’s simple words had helped Kerry identify her real problem. She was frustrated with the hospital staff and was probably also angry with her husband because he had been drinking when he first fell. But her real issue was how it was affecting her emotionally. Because Kerry’s pastor didn’t play the role of rescuer but identified what was really upsetting her, she was able to move on.
In pastoral care we need to be aware of what role the person is taking on for themselves and what role they may be wanting us to play in their “drama triangle”. The pastoral carer needs to be aware of this and to be careful they do not play an inappropriate and unhelpful role. The pastoral carer must be careful they do not become a rescuer. A pastoral carer should never play a role in a drama triangle.
Kerry’s pastor stayed out of the drama triangle because he understood the process that was going on in Kerry’s mind. The hospital staff, while obviously unhelpful, were not persecuting her. She was not a victim, and she certainly didn’t need rescuing. The pastor identified the process in the story Kerry was telling herself. She was upset by all that had happened, but she wasn’t allowing herself to acknowledge this. By identifying her own pain, the pastor had helped her in the process of dealing with the pressure that was on her. The important thing in understanding process is to listen to the story the person is telling themselves. The facts of the incident are almost irrelevant. What matters in process is what the person believes those facts are saying about themselves.
I want to suggest that in a very real sense the drama that Kerry is involved in is irrelevant to the pastoral care we can offer her. Rather than get involved in a person’s situation, the pastoral carer focuses on the process.
Notice Kerry’s reaction when the pastor made the observation that she was upset. She cried. All previous responses to Kerry’s complaints resulted in people trying to rescue her. The real empathy of her pastor identifying that she was upset gave Kerry such relief that she cried. But it did more than that. After her pastor identified that she was upset, Kerry no longer felt the need to go about telling anyone who would listen about her very frustrating situation. Knowing she was not alone, gave her empowerment. The pastor’s question has helped Kerry identify how she has been personally affected by what’s been happening around her. Up to this point no one had identified what Kerry was feeling, not even Kerry herself. Once that feeling had been accurately identified, Kerry’s attitude to her situation changed.
People will often tell you that what helped was, not advice, and not agreeing that these things shouldn’t happen. What really helps is when someone just says, “Yes. That’s how you feel, and that’s OK.” In effect this is what happened for Kerry when her pastor accurately identified that her situation was affecting Kerry’s emotional response. Notice that he did not even identify the emotion. All it took was for him to accurately identify that Kerry was affected emotionally. In all previous encounters, Kerry’s emotional response was not acknowledged.
This is what I mean by paying attention to the process rather than the situation. To pastorally care for Kerry in her situation, attention is not given to the events but to Kerry’s response to the events. Attention is paid to what is going on for Kerry. Attention is paid to Kerry’s emotions. This is the process.
In paying attention to the process, pastoral care pays attention to the person’s emotions. Pastoral care is all about listening, not just listening to the story but listening for the person’s emotional response to the story they are telling us.
