But I can't forgive myself

By David Pettett

 

James had had a number of positive conversations with Tom about the Christian life. Before he came to prison Tom had been an active member of his church. James, the prison chaplain, wondered why Tom had never been to a chapel service. Tom said he understood the forgiveness of God. He would speak about the thief on the cross and say he understood how Jesus can forgive anyone, “even a criminal like me.” But he would then add, “But I can’t forgive myself.” Such thinking is often the real barrier to truly understanding the forgiveness that Christ brings.

Sometimes the embarrassment of what we have done remains with us. Our sinful actions can have adversely affected others, and we cannot undo their pain caused by our behaviour. This type of situation is sometimes dealt with in the criminal justice system by a process of restorative justice. Restorative justice brings the perpetrator and the victim together. The victim is given opportunity to say how the crime has hurt them and affected their lives. This is very powerful because most criminals have no concept that their crime actually hurts anyone. When the criminal hears and understands their crime has damaged a fellow human being, their sense of guilt can be palpable. After the victim has spoken, the criminal is given the opportunity to speak. If they are touched by the personal impact of their crime on the other person (and they often are), they are able to give a heartfelt and emotional apology.

 

Restorative justice is a very emotional experience. It can only happen where both parties desire to meet and express their emotions. They come into the process with some understanding that it will be very difficult. But that’s what dealing with sin is. It’s difficult. To know God’s forgiveness, we have to willingly enter a difficult process of coming together to understand the terrible cost of sin. The sinner and the victim, who is Christ, come together to listen and to understand.

 

Forgiveness is sometimes difficult to understand because we tend to think forgiveness means everything is O.K. We think forgiveness means the crime, or the sin, doesn’t matter. But that is not what forgiveness means. In understanding that we are completely forgiven in Christ, we are not to think that what we did in our sinful behaviour is therefore somehow made O.K. Sin is never O.K. Sin is a distrust of God. Human distrust of God is highlighted in the Garden of Eden. Doubt about God’s trustworthiness was put into the minds of Adam and Eve. God said, “Don’t eat this fruit. If you eat it, you will die.” That’s a really easy commandment to follow. Especially when the garden is filled with every other tree, bearing all kinds of fruits. Why, on earth, would you want to eat that one fruit God has told you not to eat, when there is so much rich choice in the rest of the garden? Well, you make the decision to eat that one fruit when doubt is placed in your mind that God is trustworthy. Taking and eating that one fruit is a clear statement of unbelief in God’s trustworthiness.

 

Understanding forgiveness is understanding that God is trustworthy. It is understanding that, while my sinful behaviour has demonstrated a lack of trust in God, God has still come back at me with His love in His Son. I sit with God and hear Him tell me about His pain caused by my sinful behaviour and I am moved to ask for forgiveness. I am still left with the memory of my sin, but Jesus and I have come together in a process of restorative justice. We acknowledge the cost of my sin, and we move forward together. I am so astounded by His love and forgiveness I am resolved to live in a way that honours him and demonstrates my trust in him.

 

Not being able to forgive yourself can often mean a lack of understanding of the nature of guilt. Understanding the biblical concept of guilt can be difficult when we live in a shame culture. In the West we talk a lot about shame. We talk about “naming and shaming” people or corporations who, according to general consensus, have done something wrong and seem to be getting away with it. We also talk about the shame bad behaviour brings upon one’s family.

 

Gail had been discovered to have been involved in an extra-marital affair over many years. She said she felt so ashamed of what she had done. But shame and guilt are two very different things. Shame only does half the job that guilt does. Shame is more about the embarrassment we have caused ourselves and others. Shame is not concerned with the sin but only with the consequences of the sin. Guilt is knowing we have offended a holy God. It is recognising the distrust of God we have expressed by the offence. Guilt also then understands the impact our sin has had on us and others.

 

When I read Psalm 51, I am initially a little disturbed by David’s confession of his sin of adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband Uriah. David says to God, “Against you, you only have I sinned” (Psalm 51:4). I find I am angry at David. Has he minimised the impact of his lust? Does he not understand the shame Bathsheba must have felt, not being able to refuse her king’s sexual advances while her own husband was away at war? Does he not have any compassion for Uriah whom he murdered to cover up his despicable behaviour?

 

If David had felt ashamed (rather than guilty) of his sin when confronted about it by the prophet Nathan (see the title of Psalm 51 and 2 Samuel 12:1 – 14), I think we would see in his confession some acknowledgement of the pain he has caused Bathsheba and his disgraceful manipulations to achieve Uriah’s murder. But forgiveness does not come through shame. Forgiveness comes from God. Dealing with sin, even sin that has caused others great loss, is acknowledging that guilt lies in my behaviour which has demonstrated a lack of trust in God.

 

David’s prayer of confession in Psalm 51 acknowledges his sin is first and foremost an exhibition of distrust of God. Where God has made it abundantly clear that we are not to commit adultery, David has said, “No, Lord. I trust my sexual desires more than I trust you. Giving in to my lust will give me more immediate pleasure than you will, Lord.” God has also made it very clear that we are not to commit murder, but David has said, “No, Lord. I can’t trust you to make my sin right. I have to cover up my adultery myself by getting rid of the husband.”

 

Put in these terms, you can see how, when finally confronted with his sin, David turns to the Lord for forgiveness. His behaviour has demonstrated an abject failure to trust God. And so, with his adultery and murder in mind, he turns to God, whom he has offended, for forgiveness. In fact, by acknowledging that it is against God only that he has sinned, David has done so much more than just feel shame for his sin against Uriah and Bathsheba. By seeking God’s forgiveness, David has realised the reason God has told us not to commit adultery and murder is because these behaviours adversely affect all those involved. By acknowledging his distrust of God by breaking these two commandments, David also acknowledges the impact his sin has had on his victims.

 

To understand the nature of God’s forgiveness, and therefore to forgive ourselves, is to understand that all sin is distrust of God. Forgiveness is not about dealing with shame. Forgiveness is understanding God is trustworthy. Forgiveness is knowing our guilt has been laid on Christ and dealt with. Forgiveness does not ignore the impact our sin has had on us and on others. Acknowledging our guilt recognises what we have done to others expresses our distrust of God.

 

Understanding forgiveness is a deeply spiritual process. To understand God’s forgiveness Tom sat with God in a prayerful session of restorative justice. He listened. He understood his sin, his crime, had sent Jesus to the cross. He listened to Christ’s impact statement. He read what the Scriptures say about his sin and as he listened, he was confronted by how much his behaviour had caused Christ’s pain and the pain of other human victims. Being so confronted, Tom sought God’s forgiveness, for he realised, it is against him, him only that Tom had demonstrated a lack of trust. Tom had come to understand the difference between shame and guilt and had learned to forgive himself.